Jigger-woggy-wumpus...

That is the only way to describe this quilt. Can you see the amount of...wumpus hanging off the roller? As I was putting the quilt onto the frame, I was feeling a little annoyed as the backing was the exact same size as the top. A big no-no. I specifically told her that I needed 10 extra inches in length and width. But- and I am trying very hard not to whine here- just state facts, but why oh why, is this a difficult concept? I can't tell you how often this happens and it is one of the reasons I am headed into semi-retirement come Xmas. That, and the jigger-woggy-wumpus quilts. I am sure you have met a few of their relatives. They are for sale all over the country- quilt tops who look innocent enough, but I feel it is my duty to warn you that the jigger-woggy-wumpus quilt is anything but innocent. Why do you think it is in a flea market? Shall I tell you? Because somebody who has no business behind the needle of a sewing machine made a quilt top and then found out that, oh my, block sizes and seam allowances should be consistent? WHAT are seam allowances? Anyway, they usually sell for under 30 bucks and if you purchase one, you have just overpaid by about 30 bucks! Another clue is the liberal use of gauze that is impersonating actual fabric. Now the real danger of the jigger-woggy-wumpus quilt is that there are authentic quilt tops out there that go for a steeper price, but don't think that the JWW is a bargain, sister, 'cause you gotta hear the rest of my story. I decide to put the quilt on and quilt it even though I am in doubt, serious doubt, that there will be enough backing. But I told her the correct amount, and I am in no mood to suffer fools lightly. Lo, and behold, she did measure and there is enough backing for the quilt- on one side!! Yes the jigger-woggy-wumpus quilt is 10" longer on one side than on the other- oh, and 8" wider at the top than on the bottom. Now how in this everlovin' world am I to make a rectangle out of a trapezoid??!! Focus, Nina, focus. I don't have the time or the inclination to stop and cry over it. Why should this be my problem? So I pick out a nice dense pantograph- 'cause even though I say I am gonna be cold and heartless, there is way too much of the recovering perfectionist in me to actually watch while I put more tucks in that quilt than a Calista Flockhart ballgown. I console myself that the dear friend who, poor dear, bought this mess is nearly blind. I don't mean to sound cold, but it is a sort of consolation. But my pride tries to get in the way and now I am wondering how to deliver it without anyone else seeing it. From a distance- of about 100 yards!!- it doesn't look too bad. And the back-plain muslin, looks real nice. Oh brother! Down with all jigger-woggy-wumpus quilts! They gotta die.